An update-

Sooooo, I may or may not have done absolutely freakin' nothing since my last post. Hypothetically speaking, if one were to have done nothing productive in weeks, one might feel like the lowest form of humanity on the planet. One might also feel that change is impossible, and that one is doomed to be a pathetic version of oneself forever and ever, amen. However, one might argue, hypothetically of course, that their summer has never hit a steady pace because every week since summer began, there has been one thing or another to disrupt any semblance of a routine that one might have. Therefore, it is not one's fault if they are not productive-being disciplined is difficult enough when one has a steady routine. How can one be expected to thrive under such utterly unforgiving circumstances?

I know, I know (I mean one knows, one knows)- excuses and butt-holes, right?

Well, I did do a few things: I saw The Civil Wars in concert (however, I left feeling pretty bad about myself for not being as cool as the billion hipsters running around the joint-so I'm putting this in the lose column), I held my sweet nieces, I read four books, I think I worked out once, I KNOW I did a couple loads of laundry...

That's the underwhelmingest list I ever saw. Forward progress is key. Must. Do. Better.

The next two years...

Starting the process of becoming a better person-inside and out-is no small feat. It's actually pretty freakin' exhausting. But that's what I'm doing. Or at least, that's what I'm talking about doing. Brandon and I are thinking about moving in a couple of years so I have given myself two goals-learn Spanish and write my first book in two years. I also have two shorter term goals of running a 5k and then a 10k this year and getting our dog trained. With the ultimate goal of getting to a healthy weight again and being able to have friends at our house without shoving a block of cheese down her throat. The problem is-two months of the two years is gone already and I've written some (not much) and haven't even started learning Spanish (because who really learns it in school when they take it 25 times? Oh, most people, cool.). I've also wasted three weeks barely running at all and the year is half over. Something is wrong with me. However, I have been working with Chloe and she's super smart so she learns fast, I'm just bad about follow-through. Funny, this seems to be a theme...stay tuned.

I Hope this doesn't Offend. But it Probably Will (Original Post 5/3/09)

This is a response: Big business, corporate greed, corruption and exploitation is no holier than abortion or homosexuality. End of story. Want to argue that point? Get your Bible and bring it on.
I am not enthralled with either the Republican or the Democratic party, each has its downfalls, but it is time to put ignorance to rest and stop using the polarization of political parties to further a religious agenda and vice versa. The Republican party is not God's party. They wave a banner of watered down Christianity and people all over the nation vote for a person they know nothing about. It's not democracy, it's propaganda. This kind of stereotypical attitude does nothing except perpetuate the dangerous and Godless us vs. them mentality which we as Americans and specifically (and especially!!) as Christians must get away from at all cost. These stereotypes have created nothing but a proverbial boxing match in the political arena with good vs. evil, Christians vs. non-Christians, Christians vs. Muslims, Christians vs. homosexuals, Christians vs. anyone different than us, and worst of all, Christians vs. pro-choicers.
Let's get back to our roots, shall we? Christ said over and over that we should love our neighbors and even love our enemies, and 1 Peter 4:8 tells us that ABOVE ALL ELSE we are to love one another with a fierce love so that our love will cover the sins of those around us! We are no better than the crusaders or the Spanish inquisitors if we don't stop attempting to create a government which will enforce our ideals on our fellow citizens and the rest of the world as well.
I don't remember Christ mentioning legislation or the use of political clout to exact change in His sermons, but I do remember Him telling us to lay down our lives for those around us and make sure that the poor and oppressed and downtrodden are taken care of. Some people think they don't have to give because they don't want THEIR money going to someone who doesn't actually deserve it. Funny thing, I have this theory that if we, as Christians, would use GOD's money the way He told us to, the government wouldn't have to take taxpayers dollars to aid those in need. If I gave one of my many shirts, or shared some of my plentiful food, or filled my spare bedroom with someone in need, then I couldn't complain that the government was doing it for me, because if this nation full of "Christians" all did the same, there'd be no one left for the government to steal our money for!
I have a feeling that the anger that Christians are feeling is not a righteous indignation over the blows our political system takes on God, but an immeasurable amount of guilt for not extending the kind of grace, mercy, and charity that is demanded of us by the One who gave us everything. Say what you will, this nation was founded on the principle of freedom of religion, not Christianity. And when was the last time that radical/hostile/fundamenta

l Christianity succeeded in changing a heart and not simply temporarily modifying a behavior pattern? I'll give you a hint: never. We are not called to purify those around us, nor are we expected to enact public policy which will force a kind of pseudo-Christianity on people who want nothing to do with it. Instead, our job is simple, love one another. I don't think we realize how much easier things would be for everyone, including ourselves, if we could hit this mark even half the time. Let's give it a try, shall we?

The Bittersweet Symphony/The Life Lesson/An addition to "Because there is Beauty"

Some of you may know that my Uncle Rick recently passed away, it was less than a week after I wrote, "Because There is Beauty", and so I really had to put my money where my mouth was as far as seeing the bigger picture, and believing that his legacy lives on through the lives that he touched and the people who loved him and so he will never truly die...and all the other bull crap that always sounds alot better on paper and in theory than it does to our hearts! That particular emotional and spiritual roller coaster is still having the kinks worked out of it and is still a little too fresh to discuss here so, and is not the focus, instead it is a backdrop for another lesson/awakening/heart issue/discussion with God. I do have one thing to say before I get started though, as a sort of disclaimer: Please do not offer condolence as a result of this note, at least not in the typical "I’m sorry" or "How are you doing?" kind of way. I will not know what to say back and so will probably not respond. I would, on the other hand greatly appreciate your prayers or thoughts or whatever it is that you do, on behalf of my family and everyone who loved and will miss him. If you can, please pray specifically for his wife Jan, daughter Deena and his granddaughters.
So, at the funeral, my sister and I were talking about how blessed we are to have such a large family that is so close, especially during times like that. And yet, looking around at all those people who are the most dear to us, we were struck with a pang of grief to come-when we would have to say goodbye to each of them. This is not meant to be particularly morbid or depressing but rather to set the stage for the truth to come. What I realized at that point was this; the more joy you take in those around you, the more compounded the wound at the end. Intrinsic in having all things, is the knowledge that you can really keep nothing. And so we are either resigned to give and take as little as possible so as to avoid this bittersweet experience altogether; or we give ourselves over to the giving and taking (some do more of one than the other but that is a different conversation altogether) and simply hope to break even in the end. The desire to avoid pain at all cost means we pay the price of loneliness.
I don’t think it was directly related to this particular situation, however, the way that God decided to apply this to my life came up in a love lesson. I love people; my family, strangers, friends, acquaintances, hitchhikers...you name it. I love to meet new people, and share life and laughs with people, and so, I am not at risk of shutting out friends and family in order to avoid the pain that comes with the loss of them. However, I did find myself saying something not long after the aforementioned conversation with Ashley that caught me off guard once I began realizing what it was I was actually insinuating. First let me say, I have never been in love, and have gone back and forth the last few years counting the cost of what it means to allow yourself to be known in that aspect. Tonight I heard myself saying in prayer that I’m not sure I want to allow myself to be vulnerable to someone and their humanity and all that that entails, physically and emotionally. And then I realized, this is the common thread of anything worth having or loving, I suppose, that at some point, there will be an end to whatever it is, either death will part us, or any of the other billions of things that go wrong in relationships. But this is not a good enough reason to attempt at completely protecting myself from love. Instead, I must welcome it with open arms (and a discerning spirit) in order to learn the most bittersweet lesson of them all...the lesson of love.
Now, I’m not saying that you won’t find me back here in the blog medium within the next few months complaining that love was even uglier than I could have imagined...I’m just saying that if that kind of love is anything like the love I have already experienced in other areas of my life, then I just might find myself echoing Tennyson that, "it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." I have a feeling, though, that anything lost in the process or even in the end, will be worth all that I have to gain in the meantime

Because there is Beauty: An Apology

So...I previously prayed a prayer for the people closest to me that, in hindsight, may or may not have been a bit too harsh. As I sat writing that prayer out, I was in a place of coming out of some hard lessons in my life and so, was merely looking back with fondness on all that I had come out of. I could see that the pain I had experienced was worth the lessons and truths I was receiving and was empowered by the promise of a fresh start. What I hadn't planned on was the inevitable time when troubles would again find me and I would be forced to, put my money where my mouth is, so to speak. So I don't take back what I prayed for you all...I'm just sorry for all of our sakes that for some reason, this is the only way that we learn, unfortunately!
The great thing for me about going through hard times, is that I get all existential and try to figure out the meaning of life and all that that encompasses. In general, I like to beat the dang heck out of the horse in order to get every last inch of truth out of the lesson so that I never have to do it again. This desire for preemptive strike has not really guarded me from circling the same mountain time and again, but it does make for some interesting conversations with the people closest to me and between God and me too! So this is what He said to me last night as I was driving home from Stephenville, TX while I was asking some of those ever illusive "why" questions...
Because there is beauty in having, there is beauty in losing. Beauty because having the thing was sweet and good. And beauty in the promise of having another.
Because there is beauty in hope, there is beauty in despair. Beauty because hope keeps us holding on. And beauty because despair shouts to us that there are things worth holding on to, otherwise the loss of them would not grieve us so.
Because there is beauty in life, there is beauty in death. Beauty because all life comes from Him and so all life is for Him. And beauty because death is not the end and does not have the final say for in all death is the promise of new life. Just as winter holds the secrets of spring, the end of one chapter is the beginning of another, and we are told that in order to gain eternal life, we must lose ours in Him, so we know that all death intrinsically points to rebirth.
The problem for most of us is that we want only to find him in the beauty. We don't want to see the beauty and promise of the brokenness around us. We see only what we have been trained to see and not what really is. Therefore, God is not skewed in His intentions and treatment of us, rather, we are skewed in our image of what goodness is and so, will never really understand Him unless we pick a different vantage point. And so, I will not be happy when He corrects me, or uses tragedy to teach me, or takes what I want from me...but I will rejoice in the fact that His heart and intentions are noble and honorable toward me and therefore, I will rejoice in the promise of where He is taking me, not necessarily where He has me.
So, my prayer was not wrong, it just fell a little short...I pray, not only that you would struggle and hurt and be lonely and heartbroken etc. I pray that because of that pain you would draw near to Him so that those times would become bearable. I pray that He would speak to you in those times, that He would grow you and that you would understand Him in a way you never have before! Again, sorry, because this still isn't going to be easy or fun...but the truth and balance of it is the sweetest thing I have ever known!

Jules!

That woman may be the most precious individual known to mankind! In case you don't know who she is, she's my mom...oh but she's so much more! For those of you who don't know her-well this really isn't for you. Don't get me wrong! I hope you enjoy it and I'm sure it will be entertaining...but those of you who do know her, know that she has that special something that you just can't explain! So I'm not going to try. If you know her...enjoy these little nuggets, if you don't-hop to!!

Scene 1

Jules: I hope we don't see killer whales.

Me: Why not Jules?

Jules: Because I don't want to watch them kill anything!

Scene 2

Me: Jules, why do you have to record every medical show that comes on TV?

Jules: Because I think I'm a doctor

Scene 3

(Scene opens with Julie drinking a coke Icee)

Jules: I haven't had a coke in two weeks.

Me: Mom what is in your hand right now?

Jules: I don't consider this a coke!

Me: Jules, when you go to a restaraunt and order a coke, they bring you a cup of coke and ice...what you have in your hand is a cup of coke and crushed ice...

Jules: Yeah, I don't buy that!

Scene 3

(On the highway in Orange County)

Jules: Man! There are alot of red cars out today!!

And that's just the last 48 hours! There's plenty more where that came from and new material is coming in all the time! I just thought for those of you who were needing a little Jules fix in your life, you might enjoy this!

Addition 1. 12/5/08 "Speaking of the Jews, the lady who cuts my hair is Korean..."

Open with caution: Raging Soapbox Inside

You guys have gotten pretty used to my major quotage so this will be different, and not to take anything away from the people that I quote, but they can only give me a shadow and a glimpse of the truth that is in my heart. Just as the words that you read here can only inspire and change you so far as there is already something awakened in your spirit that rings very similar to this, so I am not trying to dazzle you with my wits, only to add kindling to the spark already so graciously placed inside of you. May you burn…

It would be fair to say that I am not the most serious girl in the world; in fact there are many situations in which someone might find themselves saying of me that I am downright silly! I love retarded movies, sneezing, spider solitaire, The Simple Life, Sudoku and just about anything; pretty, frilly, shiny, pink or sparkly. And there are times in my life where the simplest of pleasures and fulfillments can take over for days and even weeks at a time. Times over which I find myself looking back and asking, "what did I accomplish?" Times where my moral and emotional and spiritual and mental self seem to suffer because I am feeding myself with the breadcrumbs of these menial, time-consuming things. There is nothing inherently wrong with any of the trivial things that have the capacity to demand so much of my attention and have the ability to entertain me so well, and yet I stand at a place today that I have stood many a day before and wonder where to go. Those things can entertain, sure, but when the silliness doesn't feed my passion for life anymore, I hunger for substance that I find rare and in short supply in those around me. Even those who I know to possess the substance that I need to share with other human beings seem to have trouble awakening themselves to it. It is harder to live with this gnawing and raw weight than it is to be flippant about life and demand nothing more than what can be grasped by human hands, and so we silence the cries that take from us the illusion of control that we have and we simply numb ourselves to truth. It is simpler, some would say (and those who wouldn't say it, still seem to be screaming it with their actions) to stay on the surface, to protect ourselves, to ignore that unsettled feeling or, even more commonly, to silence it with other, less substantive things, than it is to be open, exposed and vulnerable to something that has the ability to change us so. I have found a way to find this substance in God, that's not the problem; I don't wonder where to find "it"! I've got "it"! The part that gets me is that I have no one with which to share these things! As frustrated as this situation is to me, I know that there is no way for me to show anyone what I have seen! The very things which place the desire for Him so deeply inside of me are the struggles, battles and hardships that I have had to "overcome" in my life. If I had not been to the extremist of extremes in certain areas of my life, I would not know how to find Him in everyday life. If I had not fought battles that most would flee from, I would not know how to battle the daily grievances that plague me. And so, I will pray a prayer for those dearest to me that most of you will probably want to shoot me for later; and which most Christians would probably call borderline heresy, but, let's get em all riled up shall we??…I pray that you struggle, that you wrestle, that choices not be easy, that money not be always in full supply, that malcontent would reign in the midst of your worldly pleasures, that health be bestowed and not due, that your road be marked with suffering and pain, that loneliness would permeate every fiber of your being, that people would let you down, that your heart would be broken, that you would fail, that you would cry, that you would yearn, and most of all that we would cease to be anesthesiologists to ourselves and those around us and that we would instead be catalysts that spark change and growth with every word and deed. A long shot? Maybe. But anything less drastic just wouldn't do the trick of overhauling this morbid apostasy now would it?