One word: Forgiveness

Forgiveness: a word so underused and misunderstood it has become virtually obsolete! I myself refuse to ask for it and offer it as freely as I should. If I did, if we all did, this place might seem a little less painful!

I journal often, and by often I mean 3-4 times a day, most of the time it is me talking to God, putting my thoughts on paper, trying to make sense of whatever mess I am most assuredly in...and God's subsequent response or thoughts on the matter. But sometimes, out of nowhere, He hits me with something out of the blue, that hasn't been on my mind in quite sometime (which is probably why He hits me with it in the first place). As a general rule, no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I stop and write down whatever it is that He has said because if not I am sure to forget it. So here is what He told me while I was ringing on register 4 at Old Navy Grapevine Mills on Tuesday Nov. 7, that I wrote down on the back of some receipt tape and later transfered to my journal...

"Forgiveness is the key to your future because it unlocks the doors and breaks down the walls of your past."

"With the ability to forgive, comes the capacity for true self-evaluation"

"Forgiveness is vital to life, without it, you are not free to be human!"

Wow! Holy crap that is amazing! The first one was pretty good and I was going wow God, that is so true because, as anyone who has done any deep forgiving will know, forgiveness is 99% about the person doing the forgiving! Not that it's not beneficial to be forgiven, it's one of the greatest things in all the world but there is something inside of you that is freed when you open your heart to forgive someone that you have every right not to!

The second one was amazing because we can never fully see; ourselves, our shortcomings, and the way we hurt others when our eyes are constantly focused on the shortcomings of those around us!

The third one is my favorite because it is sooooo ambiguous and awesome in it's scope! It encompasses so much and makes sense of alot of my own heartache! I love that He used the word "vital"...I think it gives it a sense of urgency because we are not just missing the mark with each other, oh no, we are failing to, not only ask, but receive true forgiveness for ourselves from Him! When we walk around with a burden of guilt that we were never meant to carry, we constantly find ourselves trying to dump it on the people around us and it is generally the people we care the most about who take the brunt of it! But when we are free to be forgiven and to walk in that freedom, we are free to give of ourselves to others and to offer that freedom to them! I also find that people who refuse to accept forgiveness (ie ME) feel the need to compensate in some way for their faults, the result is generally a pride in the things that they CAN accomplish in order to take the focus off of the things they feel they CAN'T!

So forgiveness frees me not to live however I want to because God will forgive me anyway, but to be human and live by trial and error and walk in His mercy and to truly enjoy and indulge in what He has given me without constantly trying to prove myself to Him, me and everyone else I come into contact with! He knows that I am human and He doesn't expect the impossible from me...just the improbable! Learning to accept His forgiveness will free me to forgive those around me...man what a difference that would make, oh what joy that could bring and what peace if we were half as hard on each other as we are. The funny thing is, we think it's hard to forgive but it's harder work to hold onto something that ugly than it is to let it go! A wise woman once told me that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person! I don't know about yall but that's some good stuff! I could go on for days but yall probably don't want to keep listening to me preach and I have to be at work at 8 am so I'll stop here but there is plenty more where this came from so stay posted!

Why do we...

you know the drill- why do we...

Practice lawlessness yet expect others to adhere to a stricter law than we could ever keep?

Rejoice in the things of this world and shrink away from the things of the next?

Seek and not find?

Overindulge ourselves at the buffet line, yet judge others for trying to fill the same void with a different substance?

Lack forgiveness, understanding and mercy while expecting that those around us forgive, understand and have mercy on us?

Pray, "thy Kingdom come", and live like we've got forever?

Make promises we don't intend to keep?

Pretend that selflessness is something that we are remotely capable of?

Sing songs written by people we've never met, about Someone we don't know?

Divide our house by cursing our brothers and sisters?

Find ourselves drawing from a dry well week after week, month after month etc. instead of eagerly pursuing something alive and wild?

Settle for things that can only destroy us, while casting aside the very place from which we drew our first breath of life?

Live lives wrapped in the smoky haze of pride instead of allowing the Truth to set us free?

Expect for others what we can't do for ourselves?

Turn our noses up at anyone who might need something from us simply because they don't know how to ask for it?

Understand so little about our past and wonder why we live the way we do in the present?

Expect so much and give so little?

Survive and not live-live and not live abundantly?

Indoctrinate ourselves in things that will only bring us into bondage?

Love what we should hate and vice versa?

Explain when we should apologize?

Tolerate when we should illuminate?

Blame the darkness for our lack of light, when our embers have been growing ever dimmer for quite some time?

Narrowly escape when we should be more than conquerors?

Live off the breadcrumbs of past generations and not feast on the full supply of all things that are rightly ours?

Hate what we don't understand?

Continue to be destroyed because of our lack of knowledge?

Wage wars with one another using the weapons of religion and rhetoric, instead of rising together to battle an enemy that would seek to destroy the hearts of all of us?

Shrink away when we should stand and fight?

Inform when we should reform?

Educate when we should revive?

Never connect thinking and believing with action and doing?

Have no capacity for self-evaluation?

Hide the deepest and most true parts of ourselves that would make sense of us to the world-and continue living for the people around us a false, half-life?

Break hearts and not yolks?

Not give of ourselves freely when others need so much?

Watch and not see, listen and not hear?

Try to silence our hearts with our duty and obligation?

Accept the things that contain the potential for change, and try to change the things that need no alterations?

Life is...

Forgetting what you want to remember and remembering what you wish you could forget
Trying something new
Summer nights that last forever
Lunch with old friends
Losing what you think you want in order to gain what you didnt know you needed
The boogey man underneath your bed
Long drives
Aspirations becoming realities
Moving on
Living in the future while resenting the present
Losing the one you love to the one they love
The space between...
Becoming someone you never thought you'd be
Fishing for compliments
Sleeping late
Missed opportunities
Breaking the rules
Never accepting defeat
Knowing the end from the beginning
The brink of something new
Marching to the beat of, not only a different drum, but an entirely different band and genre of music altogether!!
Missing the warning signs
Tripping up the stairs
Always running late
Tears over ice cream
Catching up
Being easily amused
The inability to be quiet when it is absolutely necessary
Gone too quickly
Not having to be good at everything
The unknown
Holding out for the best instead of settling for what's available
The skeleton in your closet
A choice
Good Stories
Figuring out WHO you are and not WHAT you are
Family reunions
Non-refundable
Forever holding your peace even though you really dont want to
Turning into your mother
Not fair...Oh Lord I really am turning into my mother
Going up to come back down
Looking your best when no one will see you
Getting on the plane
Waiting your turn
Knowing you have no restart button and taking the chance anyway
What happens in between the great stories of your life
Learning the same lesson until you get it right
Breaking free
Allowing yourself to be happy
Cutting the tension with a knife
Accepting blessing
Wearing high heels for no reason
Asking for directions
Recovered memories
Doing the right thing even when you dont feel like it
The fork in the road
Calling just to talk
A broken record
Eating dessert first
Preaching to the choir
Answering your own questions
Not an etch-a-sketch...unfortunat

ely
Expecting more
Seeing the red flags for everyone around you while remaining blind to your own
Passing your exit
Breaking the silence
Not putting your seat in the upright position for take-off and landing
Having and not possessing
Putting an end to the vicious cycles
The sunrise
Burning bridges
Knowing when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em
Picking your battles
Letting go
Choosing whats behind door number...
Cutting some slack
Forgetting where you left your keys
Overcoming your past while still remembering where you come from
Talking to strangers
Speaking before you think
The road less traveled
Saying youre sorry when you werent wrong
Jumping without a safety net
The task unfinished
Pulling the tag off your mattress or your airplane pillow
The untold story
What you make it so make it good!!

I wish

I wish...

I was one of those girls who can wear red lipstick
I had all the answers
People said what they were really thinking and feeling, not what is easiest to hear and say
Life was black and white
Pedestrians didn't have the right of way when I'm driving
There were aptitude tests for pregnancy
I could live certain peoples' lives for them
I were braver
I could erase certain people from my memory like in Eternal Sunshine...
Life were easy for people who deserve it
I could live forever
I were a musician
My room were clean
Boys were easier to understand
My life were a Disney movie
I could read all the books I own before I die...that's not gonna happen
I didn't worry about things over which I have no control
I was always right
I didn't feel like I was in "Groundhog Day", reliving the same day over and over
Cheesecake was fat free
My Government book could be read and retained by osmosis
People would try to understand each other
I didn't ever have to apologize
I could time travel
I never had to feel misunderstood
The things I've been putting off for weeks would just go away
I saw my family more
I didn't worry about money
I didn't always get in the wrong lane at the bank, the grocery store, on the highway, at the toll booth
People could spell
Children were altogether banned from movie theaters
The future didn't seem so far away
My life were extraordinary
Sappy movies didn't make me cry
There were more British guys in this state
People could express themselves better
I could travel everywhere
It rained more on Sunday afternoons
I had a record of all the funny things that have happened in my life
Everyone could experience one day with my family...it would change them
I was on the "Truman Show"...but well you know it would be the "Amber Show"
I was more selfless
I was fluent in every language
I liked popcorn...why do I feel like this would make my life more simple?
I wasn't always "one of the guys"
I was more patient
I didn't embarass myself so much
The phrase "stinkin thinkin" weren't so under-utilized
I was an evil genius
I didn't feel like a walking contradiction
I were better at making decisions
I had a hair stylist
My favorite pair of pants would stop falling apart
Everyone quoted movies with me
My friends would stop getting married so young, leaving me feeling like an old maid at 20
I had more friends on myspace than my sister
The sound of my alarm clock didn't make me feel nauseous
I didn't have to go to class tomorrow
I knew my IQ
Babies could talk
I could wear sweatpants for every occasion
I could read people's minds
I knew if McDreamy was going to end up with Meredith or Addison
The Lord of the Rings trilogy wasn't over
I could master the hard level of Sudoku
That the dog that lives next door to me would die...or become mute
It wasn't midnight...I still have to read like 20 pages
I could save the world
I didn't talk so much
I wasn't that girl, but let's face it, we're all that girl