Some of you may know that my Uncle Rick recently passed away, it was less than a week after I wrote, "Because There is Beauty", and so I really had to put my money where my mouth was as far as seeing the bigger picture, and believing that his legacy lives on through the lives that he touched and the people who loved him and so he will never truly die...and all the other bull crap that always sounds alot better on paper and in theory than it does to our hearts! That particular emotional and spiritual roller coaster is still having the kinks worked out of it and is still a little too fresh to discuss here so, and is not the focus, instead it is a backdrop for another lesson/awakening/heart issue/discussion with God. I do have one thing to say before I get started though, as a sort of disclaimer: Please do not offer condolence as a result of this note, at least not in the typical "I’m sorry" or "How are you doing?" kind of way. I will not know what to say back and so will probably not respond. I would, on the other hand greatly appreciate your prayers or thoughts or whatever it is that you do, on behalf of my family and everyone who loved and will miss him. If you can, please pray specifically for his wife Jan, daughter Deena and his granddaughters.
So, at the funeral, my sister and I were talking about how blessed we are to have such a large family that is so close, especially during times like that. And yet, looking around at all those people who are the most dear to us, we were struck with a pang of grief to come-when we would have to say goodbye to each of them. This is not meant to be particularly morbid or depressing but rather to set the stage for the truth to come. What I realized at that point was this; the more joy you take in those around you, the more compounded the wound at the end. Intrinsic in having all things, is the knowledge that you can really keep nothing. And so we are either resigned to give and take as little as possible so as to avoid this bittersweet experience altogether; or we give ourselves over to the giving and taking (some do more of one than the other but that is a different conversation altogether) and simply hope to break even in the end. The desire to avoid pain at all cost means we pay the price of loneliness.
I don’t think it was directly related to this particular situation, however, the way that God decided to apply this to my life came up in a love lesson. I love people; my family, strangers, friends, acquaintances, hitchhikers...you name it. I love to meet new people, and share life and laughs with people, and so, I am not at risk of shutting out friends and family in order to avoid the pain that comes with the loss of them. However, I did find myself saying something not long after the aforementioned conversation with Ashley that caught me off guard once I began realizing what it was I was actually insinuating. First let me say, I have never been in love, and have gone back and forth the last few years counting the cost of what it means to allow yourself to be known in that aspect. Tonight I heard myself saying in prayer that I’m not sure I want to allow myself to be vulnerable to someone and their humanity and all that that entails, physically and emotionally. And then I realized, this is the common thread of anything worth having or loving, I suppose, that at some point, there will be an end to whatever it is, either death will part us, or any of the other billions of things that go wrong in relationships. But this is not a good enough reason to attempt at completely protecting myself from love. Instead, I must welcome it with open arms (and a discerning spirit) in order to learn the most bittersweet lesson of them all...the lesson of love.
Now, I’m not saying that you won’t find me back here in the blog medium within the next few months complaining that love was even uglier than I could have imagined...I’m just saying that if that kind of love is anything like the love I have already experienced in other areas of my life, then I just might find myself echoing Tennyson that, "it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." I have a feeling, though, that anything lost in the process or even in the end, will be worth all that I have to gain in the meantime
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Because there is Beauty: An Apology
So...I previously prayed a prayer for the people closest to me that, in hindsight, may or may not have been a bit too harsh. As I sat writing that prayer out, I was in a place of coming out of some hard lessons in my life and so, was merely looking back with fondness on all that I had come out of. I could see that the pain I had experienced was worth the lessons and truths I was receiving and was empowered by the promise of a fresh start. What I hadn't planned on was the inevitable time when troubles would again find me and I would be forced to, put my money where my mouth is, so to speak. So I don't take back what I prayed for you all...I'm just sorry for all of our sakes that for some reason, this is the only way that we learn, unfortunately!
The great thing for me about going through hard times, is that I get all existential and try to figure out the meaning of life and all that that encompasses. In general, I like to beat the dang heck out of the horse in order to get every last inch of truth out of the lesson so that I never have to do it again. This desire for preemptive strike has not really guarded me from circling the same mountain time and again, but it does make for some interesting conversations with the people closest to me and between God and me too! So this is what He said to me last night as I was driving home from Stephenville, TX while I was asking some of those ever illusive "why" questions...
Because there is beauty in having, there is beauty in losing. Beauty because having the thing was sweet and good. And beauty in the promise of having another.
Because there is beauty in hope, there is beauty in despair. Beauty because hope keeps us holding on. And beauty because despair shouts to us that there are things worth holding on to, otherwise the loss of them would not grieve us so.
Because there is beauty in life, there is beauty in death. Beauty because all life comes from Him and so all life is for Him. And beauty because death is not the end and does not have the final say for in all death is the promise of new life. Just as winter holds the secrets of spring, the end of one chapter is the beginning of another, and we are told that in order to gain eternal life, we must lose ours in Him, so we know that all death intrinsically points to rebirth.
The problem for most of us is that we want only to find him in the beauty. We don't want to see the beauty and promise of the brokenness around us. We see only what we have been trained to see and not what really is. Therefore, God is not skewed in His intentions and treatment of us, rather, we are skewed in our image of what goodness is and so, will never really understand Him unless we pick a different vantage point. And so, I will not be happy when He corrects me, or uses tragedy to teach me, or takes what I want from me...but I will rejoice in the fact that His heart and intentions are noble and honorable toward me and therefore, I will rejoice in the promise of where He is taking me, not necessarily where He has me.
So, my prayer was not wrong, it just fell a little short...I pray, not only that you would struggle and hurt and be lonely and heartbroken etc. I pray that because of that pain you would draw near to Him so that those times would become bearable. I pray that He would speak to you in those times, that He would grow you and that you would understand Him in a way you never have before! Again, sorry, because this still isn't going to be easy or fun...but the truth and balance of it is the sweetest thing I have ever known!
The great thing for me about going through hard times, is that I get all existential and try to figure out the meaning of life and all that that encompasses. In general, I like to beat the dang heck out of the horse in order to get every last inch of truth out of the lesson so that I never have to do it again. This desire for preemptive strike has not really guarded me from circling the same mountain time and again, but it does make for some interesting conversations with the people closest to me and between God and me too! So this is what He said to me last night as I was driving home from Stephenville, TX while I was asking some of those ever illusive "why" questions...
Because there is beauty in having, there is beauty in losing. Beauty because having the thing was sweet and good. And beauty in the promise of having another.
Because there is beauty in hope, there is beauty in despair. Beauty because hope keeps us holding on. And beauty because despair shouts to us that there are things worth holding on to, otherwise the loss of them would not grieve us so.
Because there is beauty in life, there is beauty in death. Beauty because all life comes from Him and so all life is for Him. And beauty because death is not the end and does not have the final say for in all death is the promise of new life. Just as winter holds the secrets of spring, the end of one chapter is the beginning of another, and we are told that in order to gain eternal life, we must lose ours in Him, so we know that all death intrinsically points to rebirth.
The problem for most of us is that we want only to find him in the beauty. We don't want to see the beauty and promise of the brokenness around us. We see only what we have been trained to see and not what really is. Therefore, God is not skewed in His intentions and treatment of us, rather, we are skewed in our image of what goodness is and so, will never really understand Him unless we pick a different vantage point. And so, I will not be happy when He corrects me, or uses tragedy to teach me, or takes what I want from me...but I will rejoice in the fact that His heart and intentions are noble and honorable toward me and therefore, I will rejoice in the promise of where He is taking me, not necessarily where He has me.
So, my prayer was not wrong, it just fell a little short...I pray, not only that you would struggle and hurt and be lonely and heartbroken etc. I pray that because of that pain you would draw near to Him so that those times would become bearable. I pray that He would speak to you in those times, that He would grow you and that you would understand Him in a way you never have before! Again, sorry, because this still isn't going to be easy or fun...but the truth and balance of it is the sweetest thing I have ever known!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Jules!
That woman may be the most precious individual known to mankind! In case you don't know who she is, she's my mom...oh but she's so much more! For those of you who don't know her-well this really isn't for you. Don't get me wrong! I hope you enjoy it and I'm sure it will be entertaining...but those of you who do know her, know that she has that special something that you just can't explain! So I'm not going to try. If you know her...enjoy these little nuggets, if you don't-hop to!!
Scene 1
Jules: I hope we don't see killer whales.
Me: Why not Jules?
Jules: Because I don't want to watch them kill anything!
Scene 2
Me: Jules, why do you have to record every medical show that comes on TV?
Jules: Because I think I'm a doctor
Scene 3
(Scene opens with Julie drinking a coke Icee)
Jules: I haven't had a coke in two weeks.
Me: Mom what is in your hand right now?
Jules: I don't consider this a coke!
Me: Jules, when you go to a restaraunt and order a coke, they bring you a cup of coke and ice...what you have in your hand is a cup of coke and crushed ice...
Jules: Yeah, I don't buy that!
Scene 3
(On the highway in Orange County)
Jules: Man! There are alot of red cars out today!!
And that's just the last 48 hours! There's plenty more where that came from and new material is coming in all the time! I just thought for those of you who were needing a little Jules fix in your life, you might enjoy this!
Addition 1. 12/5/08 "Speaking of the Jews, the lady who cuts my hair is Korean..."
Scene 1
Jules: I hope we don't see killer whales.
Me: Why not Jules?
Jules: Because I don't want to watch them kill anything!
Scene 2
Me: Jules, why do you have to record every medical show that comes on TV?
Jules: Because I think I'm a doctor
Scene 3
(Scene opens with Julie drinking a coke Icee)
Jules: I haven't had a coke in two weeks.
Me: Mom what is in your hand right now?
Jules: I don't consider this a coke!
Me: Jules, when you go to a restaraunt and order a coke, they bring you a cup of coke and ice...what you have in your hand is a cup of coke and crushed ice...
Jules: Yeah, I don't buy that!
Scene 3
(On the highway in Orange County)
Jules: Man! There are alot of red cars out today!!
And that's just the last 48 hours! There's plenty more where that came from and new material is coming in all the time! I just thought for those of you who were needing a little Jules fix in your life, you might enjoy this!
Addition 1. 12/5/08 "Speaking of the Jews, the lady who cuts my hair is Korean..."
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