Open with caution: Raging Soapbox Inside

You guys have gotten pretty used to my major quotage so this will be different, and not to take anything away from the people that I quote, but they can only give me a shadow and a glimpse of the truth that is in my heart. Just as the words that you read here can only inspire and change you so far as there is already something awakened in your spirit that rings very similar to this, so I am not trying to dazzle you with my wits, only to add kindling to the spark already so graciously placed inside of you. May you burn…

It would be fair to say that I am not the most serious girl in the world; in fact there are many situations in which someone might find themselves saying of me that I am downright silly! I love retarded movies, sneezing, spider solitaire, The Simple Life, Sudoku and just about anything; pretty, frilly, shiny, pink or sparkly. And there are times in my life where the simplest of pleasures and fulfillments can take over for days and even weeks at a time. Times over which I find myself looking back and asking, "what did I accomplish?" Times where my moral and emotional and spiritual and mental self seem to suffer because I am feeding myself with the breadcrumbs of these menial, time-consuming things. There is nothing inherently wrong with any of the trivial things that have the capacity to demand so much of my attention and have the ability to entertain me so well, and yet I stand at a place today that I have stood many a day before and wonder where to go. Those things can entertain, sure, but when the silliness doesn't feed my passion for life anymore, I hunger for substance that I find rare and in short supply in those around me. Even those who I know to possess the substance that I need to share with other human beings seem to have trouble awakening themselves to it. It is harder to live with this gnawing and raw weight than it is to be flippant about life and demand nothing more than what can be grasped by human hands, and so we silence the cries that take from us the illusion of control that we have and we simply numb ourselves to truth. It is simpler, some would say (and those who wouldn't say it, still seem to be screaming it with their actions) to stay on the surface, to protect ourselves, to ignore that unsettled feeling or, even more commonly, to silence it with other, less substantive things, than it is to be open, exposed and vulnerable to something that has the ability to change us so. I have found a way to find this substance in God, that's not the problem; I don't wonder where to find "it"! I've got "it"! The part that gets me is that I have no one with which to share these things! As frustrated as this situation is to me, I know that there is no way for me to show anyone what I have seen! The very things which place the desire for Him so deeply inside of me are the struggles, battles and hardships that I have had to "overcome" in my life. If I had not been to the extremist of extremes in certain areas of my life, I would not know how to find Him in everyday life. If I had not fought battles that most would flee from, I would not know how to battle the daily grievances that plague me. And so, I will pray a prayer for those dearest to me that most of you will probably want to shoot me for later; and which most Christians would probably call borderline heresy, but, let's get em all riled up shall we??…I pray that you struggle, that you wrestle, that choices not be easy, that money not be always in full supply, that malcontent would reign in the midst of your worldly pleasures, that health be bestowed and not due, that your road be marked with suffering and pain, that loneliness would permeate every fiber of your being, that people would let you down, that your heart would be broken, that you would fail, that you would cry, that you would yearn, and most of all that we would cease to be anesthesiologists to ourselves and those around us and that we would instead be catalysts that spark change and growth with every word and deed. A long shot? Maybe. But anything less drastic just wouldn't do the trick of overhauling this morbid apostasy now would it?